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[EEC Tuning] The Truth About Tools
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To: "Capri List" <capri-list@yahoogroups.com>, "Fairlane"
<fairlane@yahoogroups.com>, "EEC" <EECTuner@yahoogroups.com>
From: "Scott & Linda" <scottlinda@bmail.com.au>
Date: Mon, 29 Aug 2005 20:08:27 +0800
Subject: [EEC Tuning] The Truth About Tools
Subject: The Truth About Tools
>
> Some car-related comic relief fellas and gals......
>
> *The Truth about Tools*
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
> used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
> the object we are trying to hit.
>
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
> on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
> their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
> drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes
> to the rear wheel.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the original sin
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> dismal your future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
> they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
> your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
> objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
> inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
>
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or
> 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly
> painted part you were drying.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
> whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to
> say, "Ouc...."
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you
> have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle
> firmly under the front fender.
>
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward
> off a hydraulic jack.
>
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
> hydraulic floor jack.
>
> GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading
> mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
> and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>
> TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
> buildup.
>
> TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
> strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
> disconnect.
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
> that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
> without the handle.
>
> BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
> from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
> your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
>
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
> drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
> which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits
> aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
> same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the
> first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
> its name is somewhat misleading.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
> as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
>
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
> power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
> travels by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
> tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
>
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
>
>
>
Check out http://www.iwantperformance.net/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi for lots more
info.....
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